I Forgive Myself

I can finally understand our differences. I live my life by seeing and experiencing the world; he lives his life in the world that he is building around him. And there is only space for himself in his world. Despite how much I wanted, how hard I tried, his world can only accommodate him. And how could I possibly be happy like this?

I thought back to the last 7 months. Never had I been in a more lonely relationship. I have always said a healthy relationship is when both strive to be better because they want the best for each other. Instead I spent all time almost idolising him, doing whatever I could to please. The more effort I felt I had to put in, the more insecure I felt, the less happy and content with myself I was. I have struggled with confidence all my life – spent the last 2 years trying to piece myself back together, slowly getting comfortable in my own skin, starting to accept myself as I am, and appreciate my qualities. This self-doubt was slowly eating into what confidence I had left.

Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t do it on purpose or out of menace. It goes back to the fact he only has himself in his world. He cared about me, just not to the extent that I found comforting or reassuring. He had been supportive and shown interest in what I do too. He was helpful when I wanted to leave my job, he had always encouraged me to pursue my passion in writing. He’d never abandon me in distress when i reach out for help. He just didn’t care about it as much as he cared about what’s in his world. It’s not his fault.

He wasn’t lying when he said he liked me. He did. Only he liked himself more. A lot more.

In time, what could possibly change if we persisted? He could make his every effort to twist his world and make space for me. Is that what makes him happy? Is that what he wants? This could only work if he willingly fits his world around 2 people, with someone he was comfortable sharing his life. And right now, he doesn’t want to share. He is not ready to share. Perhaps I am not the right person he wants to share with.

And me? I would have wilted away. Making do with what I get, feeling more frustrated as I keep trying, accepting that I am not good enough, decaying my confidence, giving up my world.

So I thank him. He had the kindness of releasing me before I stubbornly convince myself any more that I was happy. He had the honesty to admit he couldn’t give me what I needed. Finally he had the courage to do what was best for me.

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I Miss You

Hey My Dexter,

It’s been 2 years, how have you been? For the last 3 months I kept wanting to write you something, but never worked up the courage. Perhaps because I haven’t done anything I’m proud of since the last time we spoke, so just a little hesitant…

A lot happened at my end. Changed my job again – nothing exciting though. Went from 1 meaningless job to another meaningless job. You know, a job that makes no impact on the real world, just a lot people pretending to be very important by walking very fast, so they can justify their pointless existence and paycheck.

Then more relationship failures as I continue to figure out what I really need. Or when I finally find someone I fall head over heels for, I drown myself in self-doubts until I scare myself out of the relationship.

So, haven’t really moved on much since we last bid our goodbyes.

And I think of you. I tend to think of you when I hit the low points. I blame it on our Italy trip. In those short few days, I felt safe, unjudged and comfortable. I didn’t need to be apologetic for who I am. So I started associating you as my shelter. It’s been pretty ugly in the last couple of months. My brother moved back to Hong Kong. For the first time in ages I feel truly alone. The feeling is overwhelming; tears start clouding my eyes for no reason.

Then I try to think of happy things; people I have in my life that make me feel loved.

I was looking at the photos and the birthday CD you made me. Finally worked up the courage to write you something. I am so grateful to have you in my life; even more grateful for the beautiful memories you leave me. Remember I said I’m more like Dex than Em? I will pick up myself up though – won’t let you down.

Your Emma

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Next Step

These two weeks I took study leave for the professional assessment next week. We have to pass 9 papers in total in order to be called an ‘Architect’. Yes… 5 years of study is not enough to be recognized.

I can hardly focus at home. (I am at home now so I am writing this entry) So sometimes I have to study in a café or such. There is emerging number of nice cafés in the city. Nice in terms of the decorations and spaces, not necessary the coffee. 😛 By the way, I have tried Movenpick’s coffee in a French restaurant at North Point, it was really good.

After studying a small portion of the unorganized materials I am a bit tired. And I do not know why I am doing this anymore. I feel it is kind of meaningless. All I can think of now, is all the stuff that I want to do after the exam. What I want to do next.

Am I being quite negative sometimes? I think I should pick up my momentum again, try to force myself back to the mood of studying. Till next time.

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Short Summer Break

I went to Kansai again last month! This time it’s mainly for the music festival that I wanted to attend, Summer Sonic. My companions were not enthusiastic about it though, they just wanted to relax. Turned out the music festival was alright, not very exciting because the musicians weren’t the powerful live band type. That included The Cardigans, Garbage, Rihanna, Kesha… Luckily I still had Foster the People and they were great! We also had some near death experience.. The weather was so bad and we could clearly see strokes of lightning happening near us with dramatic scream from some Japanese girls.. And people were packed in a stadium just like refugees..

Other days were so great. My friend drove us to some place that I’ve never been to. We went to 和歌山 and had very nice grilled seafood at 黑潮巿場.

We also went to 丹後, which is on the north of Kyoto near the seaside.  久美浜 had some really nice beaches and hotspring. And 天橋立 is famous for it’s white wine and soba. The trip was relaxing. I like the countryside of Japan more than the cities. Kyoto was still fine, just a little boring for me now. Its contemporary side was more attractive to me this time.

How are your recently? I am doing well and quite comfortable in various aspects of my life in this stage. I feel like I’m kind of lucky and blessed.

I guess we are the type that would attract gossips? Sometimes I just do not understand why people like to gossip about me. I wasn’t even friends with those people, so why do they care? I have no interest in their lives whatsoever and I hope they would do the same. I’m fine with people talking behind me without me knowing it.. But when I know it, it’s kinda annoying.

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Head South

Last month I had a brief weekend break to Singapore with our colleagues. It is actually more like a site visit for work but I would like to consider it a relaxing weekend instead. I quite enjoyed spending time with my colleagues, so I had fun in this trip.


We have this nice theatre commercial complex project in Singapore (bottom right image). Although I did not take part in its realization, I am quite proud of our team for achieving this.

I hope I will see your Road to DISCOVERY instead of Road to Recovery next time. 🙂


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Road to Recovery – 1

There are two ways to mend a heartbreak, a rebound guy or a holiday. And my holiday in Provence was exactly what I needed to feel fantabulous again!

When I planned this holiday, I had 3 wishes: wine tasting, lavender fields and beach. I got all 3 granted.
I started at a cute little city in Avignon. It’s a bit like Lucca, a small city surrounded by a wall that is still largely intact. It was a lot more vibrant than Lucca though, because it was hosting the theatre festival where there were 50+ independent groups putting on various small shows around the city theatres. I didn’t manage to get any tickets, and my travel partner knew as much French as I do Mongolian. But the overall vibe on the streets was buzzing; a fake crime scene blocked off the main road, a beautiful French girl stripped topless in the middle of a plaza that was part of an outdoor restaurant, parades by odd characters. The atmosphere was simply too much fun.
I then booked myself on a full day wine tour. Between coffee tasting and wine tasting, wine wins, hands down. So we should definitely meet at a wine bar next time I’m in HK:) We went through 4 wineries and way too many vineyards. Not only did I learn how to taste like a sommelier and look after a vineyard like an owner, I was completely mesmerised by the landscape.
I made a brief trip to Pont de Gard in the evening, when the sun was more forgiving. Sorry it’s ancient and massive and everything, but I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to be admiring. So I sat reading. And ever since I started cycling to work, I struggle to find time to read. Glad you did though. Due to my shrinking flat size I’ve turned to ebooks – but I can also proudly say I’m not playing brainless shitty games on my phone when I’m on the underground!
I read / watched One Day with you in mind too. But I’d say I was the ugly half of Dex plus the insecure side of Em; whereas you had the solid/supportive part of Dex and the loving side of Em. Everytime I screw up I run to you for moral support and reassurance. As for over-romanticising our friendship – like I said, I love you.
To expose my fragility and vulnerability demands unconditional trust and total acceptance from the other person. The few people I entrusted have been let-downs. Then I start to believe I’m too flawed in character, or just I attract (and also am attracted to) fuck-ups. So I try to keep people at arm’s length, that said I throw myself into the unknown before I know it… sigh.
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