I Forgive Myself

I can finally understand our differences. I live my life by seeing and experiencing the world; he lives his life in the world that he is building around him. And there is only space for himself in his world. Despite how much I wanted, how hard I tried, his world can only accommodate him. And how could I possibly be happy like this?

I thought back to the last 7 months. Never had I been in a more lonely relationship. I have always said a healthy relationship is when both strive to be better because they want the best for each other. Instead I spent all time almost idolising him, doing whatever I could to please. The more effort I felt I had to put in, the more insecure I felt, the less happy and content with myself I was. I have struggled with confidence all my life – spent the last 2 years trying to piece myself back together, slowly getting comfortable in my own skin, starting to accept myself as I am, and appreciate my qualities. This self-doubt was slowly eating into what confidence I had left.

Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t do it on purpose or out of menace. It goes back to the fact he only has himself in his world. He cared about me, just not to the extent that I found comforting or reassuring. He had been supportive and shown interest in what I do too. He was helpful when I wanted to leave my job, he had always encouraged me to pursue my passion in writing. He’d never abandon me in distress when i reach out for help. He just didn’t care about it as much as he cared about what’s in his world. It’s not his fault.

He wasn’t lying when he said he liked me. He did. Only he liked himself more. A lot more.

In time, what could possibly change if we persisted? He could make his every effort to twist his world and make space for me. Is that what makes him happy? Is that what he wants? This could only work if he willingly fits his world around 2 people, with someone he was comfortable sharing his life. And right now, he doesn’t want to share. He is not ready to share. Perhaps I am not the right person he wants to share with.

And me? I would have wilted away. Making do with what I get, feeling more frustrated as I keep trying, accepting that I am not good enough, decaying my confidence, giving up my world.

So I thank him. He had the kindness of releasing me before I stubbornly convince myself any more that I was happy. He had the honesty to admit he couldn’t give me what I needed. Finally he had the courage to do what was best for me.

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