I Forgive Myself

I can finally understand our differences. I live my life by seeing and experiencing the world; he lives his life in the world that he is building around him. And there is only space for himself in his world. Despite how much I wanted, how hard I tried, his world can only accommodate him. And how could I possibly be happy like this?

I thought back to the last 7 months. Never had I been in a more lonely relationship. I have always said a healthy relationship is when both strive to be better because they want the best for each other. Instead I spent all time almost idolising him, doing whatever I could to please. The more effort I felt I had to put in, the more insecure I felt, the less happy and content with myself I was. I have struggled with confidence all my life – spent the last 2 years trying to piece myself back together, slowly getting comfortable in my own skin, starting to accept myself as I am, and appreciate my qualities. This self-doubt was slowly eating into what confidence I had left.

Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t do it on purpose or out of menace. It goes back to the fact he only has himself in his world. He cared about me, just not to the extent that I found comforting or reassuring. He had been supportive and shown interest in what I do too. He was helpful when I wanted to leave my job, he had always encouraged me to pursue my passion in writing. He’d never abandon me in distress when i reach out for help. He just didn’t care about it as much as he cared about what’s in his world. It’s not his fault.

He wasn’t lying when he said he liked me. He did. Only he liked himself more. A lot more.

In time, what could possibly change if we persisted? He could make his every effort to twist his world and make space for me. Is that what makes him happy? Is that what he wants? This could only work if he willingly fits his world around 2 people, with someone he was comfortable sharing his life. And right now, he doesn’t want to share. He is not ready to share. Perhaps I am not the right person he wants to share with.

And me? I would have wilted away. Making do with what I get, feeling more frustrated as I keep trying, accepting that I am not good enough, decaying my confidence, giving up my world.

So I thank him. He had the kindness of releasing me before I stubbornly convince myself any more that I was happy. He had the honesty to admit he couldn’t give me what I needed. Finally he had the courage to do what was best for me.

I Miss You

Hey My Dexter,

It’s been 2 years, how have you been? For the last 3 months I kept wanting to write you something, but never worked up the courage. Perhaps because I haven’t done anything I’m proud of since the last time we spoke, so just a little hesitant…

A lot happened at my end. Changed my job again – nothing exciting though. Went from 1 meaningless job to another meaningless job. You know, a job that makes no impact on the real world, just a lot people pretending to be very important by walking very fast, so they can justify their pointless existence and paycheck.

Then more relationship failures as I continue to figure out what I really need. Or when I finally find someone I fall head over heels for, I drown myself in self-doubts until I scare myself out of the relationship.

So, haven’t really moved on much since we last bid our goodbyes.

And I think of you. I tend to think of you when I hit the low points. I blame it on our Italy trip. In those short few days, I felt safe, unjudged and comfortable. I didn’t need to be apologetic for who I am. So I started associating you as my shelter. It’s been pretty ugly in the last couple of months. My brother moved back to Hong Kong. For the first time in ages I feel truly alone. The feeling is overwhelming; tears start clouding my eyes for no reason.

Then I try to think of happy things; people I have in my life that make me feel loved.

I was looking at the photos and the birthday CD you made me. Finally worked up the courage to write you something. I am so grateful to have you in my life; even more grateful for the beautiful memories you leave me. Remember I said I’m more like Dex than Em? I will pick up myself up though – won’t let you down.

Your Emma

Next Step

These two weeks I took study leave for the professional assessment next week. We have to pass 9 papers in total in order to be called an ‘Architect’. Yes… 5 years of study is not enough to be recognized.

I can hardly focus at home. (I am at home now so I am writing this entry) So sometimes I have to study in a café or such. There is emerging number of nice cafés in the city. Nice in terms of the decorations and spaces, not necessary the coffee. 😛 By the way, I have tried Movenpick’s coffee in a French restaurant at North Point, it was really good.

After studying a small portion of the unorganized materials I am a bit tired. And I do not know why I am doing this anymore. I feel it is kind of meaningless. All I can think of now, is all the stuff that I want to do after the exam. What I want to do next.

Am I being quite negative sometimes? I think I should pick up my momentum again, try to force myself back to the mood of studying. Till next time.

Short Summer Break

I went to Kansai again last month! This time it’s mainly for the music festival that I wanted to attend, Summer Sonic. My companions were not enthusiastic about it though, they just wanted to relax. Turned out the music festival was alright, not very exciting because the musicians weren’t the powerful live band type. That included The Cardigans, Garbage, Rihanna, Kesha… Luckily I still had Foster the People and they were great! We also had some near death experience.. The weather was so bad and we could clearly see strokes of lightning happening near us with dramatic scream from some Japanese girls.. And people were packed in a stadium just like refugees..

Other days were so great. My friend drove us to some place that I’ve never been to. We went to 和歌山 and had very nice grilled seafood at 黑潮巿場.

We also went to 丹後, which is on the north of Kyoto near the seaside.  久美浜 had some really nice beaches and hotspring. And 天橋立 is famous for it’s white wine and soba. The trip was relaxing. I like the countryside of Japan more than the cities. Kyoto was still fine, just a little boring for me now. Its contemporary side was more attractive to me this time.

How are your recently? I am doing well and quite comfortable in various aspects of my life in this stage. I feel like I’m kind of lucky and blessed.

I guess we are the type that would attract gossips? Sometimes I just do not understand why people like to gossip about me. I wasn’t even friends with those people, so why do they care? I have no interest in their lives whatsoever and I hope they would do the same. I’m fine with people talking behind me without me knowing it.. But when I know it, it’s kinda annoying.

Head South

Last month I had a brief weekend break to Singapore with our colleagues. It is actually more like a site visit for work but I would like to consider it a relaxing weekend instead. I quite enjoyed spending time with my colleagues, so I had fun in this trip.

We have this nice theatre commercial complex project in Singapore (bottom right image). Although I did not take part in its realization, I am quite proud of our team for achieving this.

I hope I will see your Road to DISCOVERY instead of Road to Recovery next time. 🙂

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Road to Recovery – 1

There are two ways to mend a heartbreak, a rebound guy or a holiday. And my holiday in Provence was exactly what I needed to feel fantabulous again!

When I planned this holiday, I had 3 wishes: wine tasting, lavender fields and beach. I got all 3 granted.

I started at a cute little city in Avignon. It’s a bit like Lucca, a small city surrounded by a wall that is still largely intact. It was a lot more vibrant than Lucca though, because it was hosting the theatre festival where there were 50+ independent groups putting on various small shows around the city theatres. I didn’t manage to get any tickets, and my travel partner knew as much French as I do Mongolian. But the overall vibe on the streets was buzzing; a fake crime scene blocked off the main road, a beautiful French girl stripped topless in the middle of a plaza that was part of an outdoor restaurant, parades by odd characters. The atmosphere was simply too much fun.

I then booked myself on a full day wine tour. Between coffee tasting and wine tasting, wine wins, hands down. So we should definitely meet at a wine bar next time I’m in HK:) We went through 4 wineries and way too many vineyards. Not only did I learn how to taste like a sommelier and look after a vineyard like an owner, I was completely mesmerised by the landscape.

I made a brief trip to Pont de Gard in the evening, when the sun was more forgiving. Sorry it’s ancient and massive and everything, but I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to be admiring. So I sat reading. And ever since I started cycling to work, I struggle to find time to read. Glad you did though. Due to my shrinking flat size I’ve turned to ebooks – but I can also proudly say I’m not playing brainless shitty games on my phone when I’m on the underground!

I read / watched One Day with you in mind too. But I’d say I was the ugly half of Dex plus the insecure side of Em; whereas you had the solid/supportive part of Dex and the loving side of Em. Everytime I screw up I run to you for moral support and reassurance. As for over-romanticising our friendship – like I said, I love you.

To expose my fragility and vulnerability demands unconditional trust and total acceptance from the other person. The few people I entrusted have been let-downs. Then I start to believe I’m too flawed in character, or just I attract (and also am attracted to) fuck-ups. So I try to keep people at arm’s length, that said I throw myself into the unknown before I know it… sigh.

Dex and Em

On that One Day in Lucca, you said you were disappointed because of me not reading. From that day, I’ve always wanted to pick up the reading habit. I guess I can now say I am a person who read. And I’m proud of holding a book in MTR instead of obsessing with smart phones like everyone does in Hong Kong. Thank you for that. For encouraged me to be a better person, while you might not know you could have such impact on me.

One Day, is probably the only film that I watched after I read the book. And I realized now why people always say the same comment about adapted film, ‘The book is way better than the film.’ Still, I know it’s a bit unfair to say that, since people read the book before the film, and people only watch the film because the like the book. So it’s difficult for the film to meet the reader’s expectations. An adapted film is just a way to publicize a good book.

I’ve wanted to write something about One Day for a while. But I did not have the time to tidy up my thought… I still don’t. So this would be quite random.

The obvious reason I like One Day, is I kind of relate our friendship with Dex and Em’s. This may overly romanticize our friendship. But I guess we have similar bonding despite we meet so not frequent. Of course I hope I am more clever and less of a jerk like Dexter. But you are certainly as charming and intelligent like Emma.

When I was reading the book, I realized, the more you care and trust someone, the more fragile you appear in front of that person. I’ve experienced that recently. But it’s kind of a blessing to have someone to show your fragile side to. And I hope you would find that someone and hold on to it too.

I hope our friendship can be kept as long as Dex and Em’s, even though we just meet One Day every now and then.

PS. Emma is so Anne Hathaway!

BitterSweet Bitter

 Check out the Olympics vibes – it’s gonna be chaotic – I can’t wait.

Like two summers ago, I got my heart wrecked, again. It amazes me, I still believe it when a guy says he’s not a bastard; before I know it, he’s gotten too close. It’s not so bad this time, instead of a total shatter, it’s more like a series of sharp stabs. And I learnt my lessons too, I ducked out of it before he destroys me.

So I jam pack my weekends. Last time I had you with me in Italy so I was all smiles in no time. Can’t travel as much as I used to, it’s harder to sneak off on Fridays or Mondays with this new job. (I’m doing shitty crazy hours anyway.) But there’s plenty to do in London, especially with a bike:)

I took a coffee class. The 2009 World Barista Champion was Gwilym, and he started his brand Prufrock, serving coffee in a Japanese clothes shop in East London. Literally a man with an awesome machine. The he branched out to a coffee specialist shop last year, offering classes and equipment that looks more like lab ware.

I don’t think Gwilym hangs around here too often; there’s a new guy called James Bailey who’d won the UK Brewer Cup in 2012.

We started with some basic theory; with this light roasted blend of beans, we worked with 93-94 degrees, 16grams of ground coffee with 33secs to extract to bring out a perfect 27g of double expresso. There was a lot of art with this science. Lots of variables to control: extraction, strength, crema, acidity… I had a lot of fun with a world barista espresso machine:)

Also played with a Syphon Filter to make light, fruity coffee that tasted like red currant tea… and of course latte art, which I don’t think I have mastered yet.

You never know, it might come in useful one day, when I run my own business, I need to know how to serve proper coffee. Oh, I was watching 陳豪 on 品味咖啡, the man was drinking latte, then called it a cappuccino; eating a creme caramel and said it was a creme brulee! *Cringe*

By the way, I’m so glad you took your parents on a beautiful Japan trip; the cherry blossoms looked incredible. Most importantly, you said the main purpose was to be make them happy. I make every effort to take my parents on a trip every year, let them experience something new, something different, something they wouldn’t do by themselves. It’s hard work, but like you said, it’s so worthwhile.

Jason Mraz in Hong Kong

Last weekend I went to Jason Mraz’s ‘Tour is a Four Letter Word’ concert. It was full house but I got 2 tickets on the forth row with my best friend! Feeling lucky.

I remembered in the mixtape (or mix CD) I made you for your birthday, there were one or two Mraz’s songs in it. His songs are very good for weekends, chilled and relaxed. I also like his simple and truehearted lyrics. There’s nothing pretentious about him, which is difficult to do when you know you are popular.

There are some very positive and cheerful songs in his latest album. ‘The Freedom Song’, ‘Living in the Moment’, ‘Everything is Sound’, ‘Frank D. Fixer’ etc., these are some nice attitude to live our lives. 

He also performed a few old songs, ‘Remedy’, ‘You and I Both’, ‘Mr. Curiosity’, ‘Bella Luna’, ‘Lucky’, ‘I’m Yours’, ‘Make It Mine’, ‘Only Human’, ‘A Beautiful Mess’ etc.

It was so so great! Probably one of the best concerts I’ve been to. He may not be as entertaining as Jamie Cullum, or as charming as John Mayer, but he is so down to earth and truehearted. I guess that’s why he is so popular in Hong Kong. We were stuck in this pretentious world every day. His music helps us to escape from it. No matter how short that time is, it still helps.  

Oh, one more thing, Jason and the band kept throwing their guitar picks to the audience as souvenirs. I got one too. Gonna frame it.. haha